literature

Why Edward sucks as a vampire

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Poor Bram Stoker is probably rolling in his grave right now. With the creation of Twilight and its notorious gang of vegetarian sparkling vampires, he must so proud. Truly.
If you haven’t caught on to the sarcasm, let me point something out to you…
EDWARD CULLEN IS A DISGRACE TO VAMPIRES.
He’s like some new age, hippie, emo wanna-be, vampire. Who is abusive to the girl he ‘loves’ to boot.
See now…the thing is I really REALLY REALLY wanted to like Edward. I mean I really did. He was a vampire. I love vampires. But really there was so much wrong with him (and by wrong I mean NOT wrong) that it was virtually impossible for me to do so.

1. He sparkled.

I’m sorry but I really can’t get over this. Even the first time I read the book (which I actually enjoyed) I was shock that any creature that needed blood to survive would sparkle. And why did he sparkle anyways? Was there any point to it? Did it serve some sort of predatory purpose that I was unaware of? To make a long story short it was stupid. Just stupid. (Not to mention in the movie- yeah did they not hear of like…special effects? Because for real it just looked like they rolled him in some body glitter and said here ya go. I had to actually squint to see the sparklies. )

2. Meyers attempts at making him evil failed horribly.

Okay he killed people. But then she just had to go and fuck that all up by stressing….countless times actually….that he only made sure he killed murderers, rapist etc…
Edwards Danger Meter: - 10000000.
Every single time it seemed like Edward might have had an evil streak -or character development- he went and did/said something heroic to remind us of his disgusting perfect-ness.

3. He always talked about how hard it was to be around Bella and to stop himself from killing her.

But why oh why could we not have had a truly scary moment when he attacks her? WHY?! It would have made him so much likeable to be honest. If she was as wonderful smelling as he claimed, why couldn’t he prove it to us by doing something that would show he really was a savage beast and not human. Because half way through Twilight I was convinced he was just a steroid upped junkie who was fucking with retarded ass Bella Swan.

4. He’s unaware that he’s beautiful.

Now I honestly wonder if he was playing dumb or just… I dunno. But he got as annoying as Bella did with all that crap. Oh I’m not attractive, you’re so much more attractive blah blah blah. Why did that book consist of nothing but them talking about how attractive they were/weren’t? Show me one male creature in this world that is slightly attractive and doesn’t know it.
You go ahead and show me.

5. He fell in love with a girl he wanted to eat.

How he went from FOOD to LOVE….this I’m still not clear on. And quiet frankly if I had to hear him say how selfish he was one more time…someone SOMEONE was going to die. “I know I should leave you but I can’t because I’m selfish.”
*cocks gun**points it as Edward fucking Cullen’s head**pulls trigger**watches his sparkly brains fly around the room like a shattered disco ball*

6. Mr. Oh so wonderful was mentally abusive.

Mhmm oh yeah guys. He was. He told her who to hang out with, forced her to do things she didn’t want to do. Left her in deep dark depression than came back and demanded she marry him. Yay for romanticized abuse.

7. He snuck into her room at night while Bella was sleeping.

This alone creeped me out. What bothered me even more was her lack of…alarm at this. I don’t care how hot the guy was; if he was coming into my room at night with out my permission….that would be the time for a restraining order.

8. He eats animals. …..……………..

GAY! OH COME ON. YOU’RE A VAMPIRE FOR CRIPES SAKE. The Cullen’s were to be honest, fucking losers. No wonder the other vampires didn’t want to be seen associating with them. Say it with me. Lo-serrrrrssssss.

He was hot. He was beautiful. His voice was like melted honey (exact quote. And anyways isn’t honey already a liquid? How can you melt it?). His eyes were liquid topaz (what?), his eyes his eyes his eyes (once again what?) It seemed like the series was so superficial and obsessed over Edwards look that Meyer hardly paid any attention to him as a character.

And this is why Edward Cullen is the lamest vampire in the history of vampires.
::EDIT:: I hope I don't have to add anymore edits but oh well. News flash; I am now well aware of the fact that there are a lot of anti twilight rants out. At the time when I submitted this I had no idea. I was simply annoyed and wrote this so there ya go. So you can cut the crap with the 'omg your so orginal you skanky bitch comments.' Guess what! I. Don.'t. Care. And of all people you twitards should not be talking about being orginal and independent and thinking for yourself; you like a shit piece of book and its OBVIOUS its not becuz it has an awesome plot or anything.
So get over yourselves you mother freakin hypocrites and pick up a REAL book.
::EDIT:: Yeah....I don't really care if you think this is unprofessional. It wasn't meant to be acedemic material. I mean if it was how the hell are the twi-tards supposed to understand it? They obviously have the intellect of a ten year old. With them I try to use small understandable words. They can process it better.
::EDIT:: Okay the word GAY ^^ used up there somewhere has NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING to do with gay people. It's an expression that I use rather often and is not really meant to offend anyone. Sort of like the expression 'retarded'. I'm not making fun of retarded people or gay ones okay? So don't like flip yo shit.

If I missed something please feel free to leave a comment telling what. I'd love to hear it really.
I think I'm going to start a little mini series of rants on twilight.
:shrug: I have nothing better to do :D
I have offically jumped on the twilight hater boat.
Twilighters suck!! :iconcheerplz:

The brilliant art work in the preview image was graciously provided by ~Julie1091
Heres the link please go fav it to support the twilight hate! [link]
Shes fucking brilliant so go show her some love.
© 2009 - 2024 Harlequinbeautie
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Harry-Frost's avatar
I'll tell you who is a real vampire, a good old chap by the name of Alucard :)